“Marriage is like the weather – you don’t always have sunny days.
Sometimes there are dark clouds or even thunderstorms.
If that is so, then extra-marital affairs must feel like tsunamis in marriages,
brewing crises and whirling struggles.
Can there be life after a tsunami?
Can we believe there will be a New Rainbow?”
~ Anonymous ~

What happens if you discover that your spouse is having an affair?

“It felt like my whole world had collapsed. I didn’t know how or what to think. I could not stop crying, ” was how one of our participants described her experience. The build up of emotions such as confusion, disbelief, anger, distrust, hurt and self-blame can be overwhelming.

The common questions that usually arise over and over again are, “Why did he/she do this to me?”, “I have been a good wife/husband, why should this happen to me?”, “How do I trust again?”, “What should I do now?” Along with all this, comes the hard question, “Should I stay or should I go?”

Most people come to our New Rainbow Support Group searching for answers to these questions. Some go away with answers while others go away with more questions. However, the common feedback that we get is how our support group has helped the participants to cope with the experience of dealing with the impact of discovering the affair and making the decision of what to do next.

During a support group meeting, participants get to speak about their experience in a safe and supportive environment. We often hear feedback about the difficulty of discussing such subject with others, whether its relatives or friends. Many are simply concerned about the possible judgements and reactions. In a support group environment, it gives them a strong feeling that they are not alone.

The New Rainbow support group helps participants throughout the process to cope, heal and recover from the traumatic experience. In the process, participants get to hear about the experiences of others as well as input from the facilitators. They begin to look at their predicament from different perspectives. In many cases, the process has helped many participants to manage their emotions, re-orientate themselves and weigh all the important factors.

The decision-making process might take months and at times, stretch to years before the betrayed spouse is able to work things out and resolve the crisis with their spouse. In general, betrayed spouses should give themselves as much time as possible. Other available options include tapping on your support network or through professional help such as individual or marital counselling.

Some questions to consider as illustrated in “Surviving Infidelity” by Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria Harris are;
~ What is the significance of the affair to your spouse?
~ How will your decision affect your quality of life?
~ How does your life stage affect your decision?
~ Are your fears keeping you in the marriage?
~ Can the love in your marriage be strengthened?
~ What is the impact of your decision on your children?

Some participants have shared with us that making the decision was the turning-point for them in coping with the affair and moving on. The realization that they cannot change their spouses and that they can only change themselves was the start of the transformation process.

They also realized that their decision to stay in the marriage was a separate issue from their spouse’s action and behaviour. As one of the participants said, “Joining the support group has helped me to take on the willingness to be accountable for my life and take responsibility for my role in the marriage. I feel liberated!”

The string of decisions to make after the affair is definitely not easy. The New Rainbow Support Group offers various perspectives to help in the decision-making process. Ultimately, the decision lies with the participant. I would like to end with a quote from Virginia Satir, “Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It is the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.… The event does not determine how to respond to the event, that is purely a personal matter. The way in which we respond will direct and influence the event more than the event itself.”

If you are struggling with marital problems caused by extra-marital affairs, we would like to invite you to join the New Rainbow Support Group. The next New Rainbow Support Group will be starting in January 2008.

For more information, please contact Care Corner Family Service Centre (Queenstown) at 64761481.